This week I had my first session with a therapist.
I came to the realisation that I needed some help around 2 weeks ago when sitting in a cafe on my own all I wanted to do was walk to the train station, get on a train to anywhere and disappear!
How did I come to this place?
What the hell was I thinking ?
At that point I didn’t have the answers all I knew was that I had hit the wall. I just couldn’t carry on at the break neck speed that I had been working at in life and the shit that comes with it. This moment had come after weeks of feeling like my son hated me , weeks of being blamed for everything from the milk being too warm, the weather being too wet and the iPad running out of charge ! I was shouted at , kicked at , raged at and ignored , yet throughout all this I continued to hug him , kiss him tell him I love him everyday and help him manage his type one.
But that day I had had enough something just stopped inside of me.
Instead of getting on the train and disappearing I got on the phone and spoke to someone about it. I asked for help and I got help. I wasn’t made to feel stupid and after a long conversation with the therapist where I cried and talked I was told I was suffering from severe anxiety and stress relating to me trying to control Arlo,s type one and making sure he was always in perfect range . (Anyone with a child of type one will know this is a very hard task to achieve) I had blurred the line between Mum and nurse, for 2 years people have said to me “Thankgod your a nurse “ or “At least you know what to do as your a nurse.” It all comes from a good place but it doesn’t help hearing these words it only makes it worse and adds to the pressure to not fail.
My anxiety and fixated ideas were having a huge negative effect on my relationship with my son. My obsession to keep Arlo’s levels normal was annoying my son and making him angry, and making me sad.
I’m now getting the help I need by having CBT, hopefully this will help me look at things differently, change the way I think and help me find strategies to help me when things get tough again.
I also have a great village of people around me in family, friends and work colleagues who are there whenever I need them. I need to learn that I can’t do everything my self , I can’t control everything ( esp type one ) and I need to start letting go.
Mental health Comes in all different shapes and sizes and needs to be spoken about and addressed in a positive way and not something to be ashamed of.
It can happen to us all without warning .
It happened to me.